High school dating is one of the most touchy subjects in the world (pun intended), but we are not talking about that today. We are talking about how 85.76% of high school relationships only last 5 months, and during that time there are way too long,  poorly timed public displays of affection. 

As I walk through the halls of PHS at the beginning of the year, I see a couple of smoochy face lovers walking through the halls. But by the beginning of the first quarter I am walking fifty times slower than at the beginning of the year. You may be wondering why that is, well let me tell you, it’s because Bob and Sally are “romantically gazing” into eachothers eyes as they walk at 0.1 miles per hour. 

Now let me talk about how all of this changes. By the end of the third quarter, I am back to still walking slowly, but it is no longer due to Bob and Sally “romantically gazing” into each other’s eyes. I am not going to lie to you. I am not sad that Bob and Sally broke up. Mostly because I get to walk faster in the hallways, and I will actually make it to my class on time. But also because I don’t have to see them awkwardly hug like middle schoolers. 

I must share something that has been on my heart for some time. As I walk into the highschool in the morning and I sit down to eat some more breakfast, because I am still hungry after my first breakfast. I see some smoochy face lovers and it is the most awkward situation I have ever walked into. For the mental sanity of everyone, you need to stop showing PDA at 8 am on a Monday. Nobody already wants to be here and you showing PDA makes me want to die even more than when I  woke up this morning. 

This also extends into lunch time. As I am walking into the cafeteria, with my stomach begging for more sustenance, I don’t need to see you and Johnny making out on the ramp in the senior lounge. I know that we are more awake then we are at 8 am, but really, do you guys really need to make out at 12 p.m? You can’t just wait 4 more hours till you get home, and then you can go crazy. Another positive of waiting till you get home is you won’t get a public indecency charge in your house.

This part is for all you freshmen girls and senior guys.  Everybody else can skip this paragraph. I will first talk to the senior guys. You need to chill out. Nobody thinks it’s cool that you have a freshman girl. You just look like a pedophile. Don’t use the excuse it’s not weird when you get out of highschool because it doesn’t matter now.  Live in the present; it’s weird. And now freshmen girls, he doesn’t actually love you. Sorry I was so blunt about it, but it’s the truth. I promise you, it won’t last past the end of this year. 

Hopefully this column shows the true nature of high school relationships and how PDA is shown way too often. But let me leave you with this. Even if you think you are being cute, the rest of the world disagrees, sorry Sally and Bob.